WE NEED TO TALK

Dear fans,

We need to talk.

As you might have noticed I haven’t updated this blog for a wee while and we all know what that means. Yeah: I have been to the gym just monday and tuesday -that’s it!- and yeah: we need to talk.

Things are a bit different from the way I thought they would have been and maybe this whole marathon-thing isn’t just right. I mean let’s face it: running for 26 miles? Really? What for? That’s like running for four hours, isn’t it? Why the fuck should do such a ridiculous thing? Why? Uh?

My big fan Will's -and probably your- reaction

Now that’s what a loser would write on his own marathon blog but I ain’t no loser. I think. I mean I have a marathon blog, I know, but I am not a loser. It’s true that 26 miles are shit load of miles and that I haven’t been to the gym since tuesday but that’s just because I have been really busy doing other stuff such as working or drinking or ironing -first time in my life- my best shirt -took me ages-. The main reason why I haven’t trained for that long though is because -basically- I was running with the wrong shoes -and probably in the wrong way- and that made my legs really sore. Like a lot.

My amazing Air Max 90 that are great for everything but not for running

So I’ve been told about this shop in town where they put you on a treadmill to see how you run so they can help you improving -or learning if you’re a complete twat- how to do it and then recommend you the best shoes for you and all that stuff. I’ve got this funny feeling that the best shoes for me are gonna be the most expensive in the shop but I may be wrong… Anyway I will go there tomorrow morning before work -Ha! Good one…- and will let yous know. Hopefully they’ll find a -cheap- solution to this inconvenience and I will be able to start running again soon. I’ve also checked online how to run -I’ve checked how to iron a shirt too by the way and for some weird reason I found this video here particularly instructive- and I came across this.

 

Barney Stinson -a well-rounded role model- with such a brilliant speech gave me back all the enthusiasm and the charge I needed. Thank you great -not to mention fictional- Barney!

And now, if you want to excuse me, I really have to go. It’s 9:30 pm: time to put some other Barney Stinson’s words of wisdom into practice. Yes, I’m talking about pulling birds.

DAY ONE

The day has finally come. Day one. DAY ONE! Feels great just saying it. Just saying it though, because living it is a nightmare. I’ll give you a wee summary of it.

• 00:00 – Last drop – Drinking
• 00:30 – Bar Salsa – Drinking
• 01:00 – Sneaky Pete’s – Drinking
• 04:00 – Pizza Paradise – Eating & Drinking
• 15:30 – Home – Waking up hungover
• 16:00 – Home – Killing the hungover playing FIFA
• 18:00 – Home – Feeling shit because of the hungover and because I am shit at FIFA
• 19:30 – Gym – Humiliating myself on a running machine
• 20:30 – Grassmarket – Crawling to the flat
• 21:00 – Home – Eating unhealthy food as a reward
• 21:30 – Home – Not feeling my legs and updating this stupid blog

So, long story short, I got to the gym full of good intentions but evidently good intentions aren’t enough.

Me, walking to the gym, like a boss

First I stepped onto a broken treadmill, then I had to wait something like ten minutes, ten neverending minutes, for a fat guy to get off the one he was using and when I finally managed to run the 3,1 miles I had to run I realized that the treadmill worked with kilometres and not miles. So, full of enthusiasm, I had to jump back on it and run 2 more stupid kilometres.

The stupid treadmill that pretends to work with miles but works with kilometres instead

It took me less than half an hour to run the 5 kilometres I had to run and a lot of sweat and curses but apart from the not-feeling-my-legs thing I was pretty satisfied. Getting back home though wasn’t an easy job as I can’t still feel my legs now that I’ve been on the sofa for a good hour but I bought some nice greasy, fatty, unhealthy food from the chippy and I am pretty happy, all things considered.

A healthier replica of the awesome kebab I had for dinner

Yes, happy. Especially because the gym was full of clunge. And that’s always good. Always good.

Useless post #1

Dear fans,

I am sorry it took me a while to bring you up to date about my training but as you (should) know I am not training yet.

An untalented, but cheap, actor playing an ugly ,but accurate, version of me not training.

Yes, that’s why I didn’t update this blog. Until now, of course. Now I am updating it. Right now. Yes.

You happy now?

Some happy supporters of mine, in Singapore, celebrating in real time this long-awaited post.

That’s a yes, right?

A more comprehensible answer from a less cryptic and less Singaporean supporter of mine.

Anyway, I thought that would have been pretty easy to understand but then a few hours ago I received a phone call from my fan club. My demanding fan club.

My fan club.

They were worried, really worried, and wanted to make sure I remembered that next monday I will have to start my training. I reassured them about it, downed my rum&coke and then changed my number straight away.

This is it, not much left to say for today but stay tuned: the charity I am willing to run the marathon for (still waiting for their reply) and a preview of the outfit I may wear on the day (still considering the options) will be soon revealed.

Smell you later my peeps.

TODAY SHOULD BE DAY ONE.

Today should be Day One, but it’s not.

Right now I should be out there running 5km, but I’m not.

I should be in Edinburgh, but I’m not.

At this point -I know you guys are all real supporters of mine even though just one of yous turned up last night at my arrival at Milan Malpensa to show his (and yours) disappointment- you’re probably asking yourselves why am I not in Edinburgh and why am I not training.

My biggest fan asking me "Y U NO TRAINING?" at my arrival at Malpensa yesterday

Let me explain.

• Why I am not in Edinburgh: I found myself having four days off from work in a row so I decided to fly home to see my family, my dog and my friends. Easyjet.com seemed to approve this idea and charged me only £100 for a very last minute return ticket (booked on saturday night, flew on sunday at noon, flying back on wednesday morning). Nae bad, eh? Here everybody was pretty happy to see me again especially my dog, who had a special treat ready for me.

My dog welcoming me as soon as I walked into my parents' flat

• Why I am not training: basically because in Milan the temperature at the moment (12:35 pm) is -3°C and I can’t be arsed.

The view from my window in Milan, right now

So here I am in Milan doing this and this while I sould be in Edinbrugh doing this and this but don’t worry, I will start training next week.

Maybe.

MY MATES ARE WRONG!

Last night my mates and I were at the pub having a few pints and they all agreed saying that I should give up drinking if I really want to do this thing. Of course I disagreed and I still do.

A couple of hours later we were at another bar having some more pints and they all agreed saying that I should go on a diet and that following a random online training program is a stupid idea. Once again I disagreed and I still do.

Then at the club we were having several shots and numerous cocktails and they all agreed saying that I will fail. No matter what, I will fail. At that point I hesitated, then disagreed and I think I still do.

I’d like to think that they’re just trying to motivate me but I know those cunts pretty well and I know they’re wrong.

I’ll prove it!

A young supporter of mine mad at my mates.

OH, HIYA!

Hiya!

I’m Riccardo, 25, originally from Milan but currently living in Edinburgh and in may I am going to run the Edinburgh Marathon 2012. I’m gonna try, at least.

I’d say this idea came to my mind when I was drunk -most of all the brilliant ideas I’ve had in all my life came after heavy nights out- not sure though. What’s important is that the decision has been made and I’ll stick to it as firmly as a chewing-gum would do on your hair. Sticazzi, we say in italian.

Here some things you should know: I am neither a professional athlete nor a habitual runner, to the contrary I am a professional time-waster and a habitual drunkard. At the moment I am everything but fit, yet running this marathon is my new year’s resolution and over the next twenty weeks -by this blog- I will keep you posted on both my achievements and failures. Mainly failures, more than likely.

I will follow a training programme I found online (…) which hopefully will work. But you guys have to know that I am not gonna give up drinking and I am not gonna go on a special diet.

Besides, I will let you know soon which charity I am running the marathon for.

Stay tuned and please feel free to encourage and/or insult me any time you feel like you want to.

Catch you later, Riccardo.