Riccardo's useless Marathon blog

Pains and gains of my training.

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Dear fans,

Today I would like to spend some time telling you a bit more about what people around me think about this whole marathon-thing.




Now let’s move on.

Nah just kidding…we’re not moving on yet!

As you might have noticed, one of the latest and most popular trend on facebook –and web in general– is to share those graphically awful pictures about what you do and what society thinks you do and what your mother thinks you do and what your mates think you do and then what you think you do and all that shit.

Now since this blog is as popular and trendy –and graphically awful– as those pictures, actually even more –it’s already known by at least two people other than me as the “Holy Graphically Awful Bible of the marathon runners”-, and because I’ve received so many e-mails and letters from supporters from all around the world asking me one of those, my team and I decided to work on it and make a picture up too.

The shit load of letters from my fans I've received in the last month.

First of all we had to find an appropriate title.

After thinking about it for a while we came up with two ideas that immediately split our team. On one side there was me with “Marathon runner”. On the other side there was the rest of the team with “Running twat”. We eventually found a compromise: I fired them all.

I then phoned my mum and asked her what her idea about her son running a marathon was. After hers it was my mates’ turn, then my neighbour’s, my doctor’s, my colleagues’, my therapist’s, my dealer’s, my dog’s, my personal trainer’s, my invisible friend’s, my own reflection in the mirror’s, my uncle’s, my aunt’s, my first grade teachers’, my cousin’s sister in law’s, my lawyer’s, my accountant’s and that guy’s who was sitting next to me on the bus earlier on and a few more I can’t remember. Most of them though told me they didn’t have a son so I had to phone them back specifying that I was talking about me and that’s why it took me so long.

Anyway once I processed the data I opened photoshop and did this.

After showing it to my closest friends looking for their opinion I had to hire a professional graphic designer –I am a graphic designer too but apparently my photoshop skills aren’t good enough– who finally managed to do it for me. That was quite an easy job, hiring the guy I mean, considering that on sunday I flew back to Milan for a few days and –just in case you still don’t know it– here everybody’s a fecking designer

The graphic designer with better photoshop skills than me that I had to hire.

So, by popular demand, here you are the small and low-resolution version of his piece of art. If you want the big and high-resolution one ask my graphic designer because I ain’t got it. Or just click on it.

Marathon Runner, What I really do

Not much left to say for today apart from the fact that at the moment I am still not training –of course…– because of a small injury called shin splintsyep, the one I was talking about in the last post– that I am trying to cure. I will talk to you later anyway so stay tuned because the best video ever is coming soon…just a few days wait. How many? How many?? HOW MANY???


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Right peeps.

Once again I have to start with a huge I’m sorry. Sorry if I kept you on tenterhooks for such a long long time, such a long time… (if you don’t read it singing like The Lonely Island and Justin Timberlake do in here it’s not funny…) but I have been very busy. Yeah, like last week. Exactly. Veeerrryyy busy.

Anyway I am sorry if last night I missed what by now has become our weekly-blog-updating-appointment -weekly like every monday’s last episode of How I met your mother, or Domino’s Two for Tuesday, or the random shag we all get every wednesday when horny student shlags go out and get pished and can’t wait to sorry what where we talking about?

My mind, right now.



My mind right now, this time for real.


Oh yes the marathon!!! Right. Do you guys know what a marathon is and its origins? No? Neither do I but I’m sure that everything we (don’t) want to know is on wikipedia. Have you opened wikipedia in a new tab? No? Me neither.

What a bunch of lazy cunts we are.

So yeah I keep saying that the reason why I don’t update this blog more often is because I’m always busy so it’s probably time for me to explain to you what is it that keeps me so busy -no, it’s not youporn! Not entirely anyway…-. All you have to know is that training for a marathon is not an easy job. Especially if on top of it you have to work, be socially active (basically drinking and trying to get laid), fix your social actions (basically being sick and wanking) buy food, cook food, digest food, expel digested food, wash up the dishes, clean the flat, wash your clothes, iron your clothes (seriously?), call your parents, call your mates, go to the bank, cry outside the bank, be a twat with that girl you like, be a twat with that girl you don’t like, not committing suicide, drinking –yes, again!-, watching telly and farting. Yes, farting. It is really important to fart regularly in order to avoid spontaneous combustion, didn’t you know it?

So hopefully you will excuse me if in the remaining time I have better things to do than updating this blog.

What I do in my spare time, instead of updating this blog, shown to you by my dog.

Thank you.

My actual dog -this time for real- showing you what I do in my spare time and what he does in his whole time.

Anyway talking about my training for the marathon, finally, I must say that last week can be considered the worst, so far. I’ve been to the gym three times but once it was just for a few minutes. As soon as I stepped onto the treadmill -after running 10 km in 45 minutes the day before- my legs collapsed so I had to go home. You can imagine my disappointment -which is probably yours- but trust me you can’t imagine the pain. The day after it all went fine though and I managed to run another 10 km in one hour after 40 minutes of cycling but then it’s been all yesterday and today that my shins are once again sore as fuck: it feels like both tibia and fibula are about to come off and sometimes it even hurts when I am just walking. Not ideal but hopefully it’ll be over soon.

I was telling some friends how my legs feel but I couldn’t make it easy enough to understand so here’s a video of how I felt all day yesterday and today and how the marathon would go if this doesn’t go away.



If you find it funny you’re bad people and therefore my fans and friends. If you don’t find it funny, seriously, go see a doctor.

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It’s been a while, I know, and I’m sorry. Genuinely sorry. It’s just that recently I’ve been incredibly busy and didn’t have enough time to dedicate to this blog. I’ve tried, but then when I was just about to write something in a rush I was like “Nah, I can’t do this to you…you deserve more. I really care about you…It’s not you, it’s me. I swear!” so I just didn’t write at all –when I say “you” I’m talking about the blog, of course. Not you you. HA! Just kidding, I love you. Yes, you. No not you, you. Yes, you.-. I had a few drinks though. You can probably tell. Yes, you.

Another untalented -but this time cheaper than the other one- actor playing me, drinking.

So yeah, I haven’t written anything but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I haven’t been training. In fact I’ve even run 17,5 kilometres this week. Seventeen and a half. “How many have you run? HOW MANY?!?” -One day, not a long way off though, you’ll get this quote, I promise-. Went to the gym on wednesday and thursday and I totally nailed it. Ran 10 km in one hour on wednesday and 7,5 km in 45 minutes on thursday. Really wanted to go again today but then I placed my award-winning arse –yes, I won the best bum competition at work– on the armchair as soon as I got back from my ten and a half hours shift and nae fucking chance.

Sorry what was that?

Don’t you believe the whole best-bum-thing?


All right, here you go.

The misspelt award I won.

Happy now?

Anyway, as I said, I had two prolific training sessions and I feel pretty confident about the near future. On wednesday I went to the gym after a shitty day at work -shitty but not because of the job: had some bad news from Italy and needed to take my mind off it- and run for an hour. Just run. Not as if I was training for a marathon but more as if running would have helped me leaving it all behind. It turned out that it worked more as a palliative treatment rather than a cure but it still perfectly worked training-wise. Ran for an hour and felt great.

Thursday was a bit different. Decided to go to the gym again straight after work but as soon as I stepped onto the treadmill I realized something wasn’t really working. In me, not in the treadmill. My mind and my legs were fine but I had a weird wee pain in my chest, where the ribs are. Every little bounce on the treadmill was causing me pain and I was feeling a bit breathless but it wasn’t that serious to make me stop and eventually, within a few minutes, it started fading away and then disappeared. What happened then though is a bit harder to explain so I’ll let this really badly-recorded video explain it to you.

I still managed to run 7,5 kilometres though –only half of them rolling senseless– so I can’t really complain. Will go back to the gym again tomorrow and will let yous know how it goes together with some other news about the charity I am running for and a few options about my running outfit for the marathon.


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Dear fans,

I’ve just come back from the gym and I’m just about to go the pub to drink off the 7.5 km I just ran but first I’d like to take few minutes to tell you what happened since my last post on this blog.

First of all I’d like to praise my new shoes highly: they’re awesome. Today I ran 7.5 km in 45 minutes –I voluntarily took it easy, trying to work a bit more on my stamina– but I could have kept going. –Yeah, sure.– I had to stop though, because my mates were waiting for me at the pub. Like they’re there right now, waiting for me. Really.

My mates, getting older, waiting for me outside the pub.

Anyway this shoes are the best purchase I’ve ever made. Even better than that incredibly awesome hawaiian shirt that I bought last year for a few quid and that I proudly and drunkenly wear here. Not lying.

The main point of this post though is about telling you what happened no longer than two hours ago outside the gym. A bunch of supporters of mine were waiting for me eager to show me all their disappointment. They said they’ve been waiting for me since last night: they were furious, they were yelling at me and they were ripping up pictures and posters of mine. Some of them, by the way, were signed and No, I’m not sending you a new one if you tore yours.

A bunch of silly fans waiting for me -and yelling injurious phrases at me- outside the gym.

Once I reached the main entrance where the promoters were standing, I tried to calm them down talking to them but it didn’t work. I tried to calm them down telling them funny jokes but it didn’t work. I tried to calm them down giving them a tenner each but it didn’t work. With two of them it did work to be honest but I only had twenty quid on me and I couldn’t keep going. Eventually they calmed down and three representatives came to talk to me. Long story short: they’re still supporting me and they appreciate what I am doing and all the efforts I am making but there’s one thing that they can’t really take: lies. “What are you on about?” I peacefully asked. “You lied. -they said- You don’t know Paolo Nutini!!!” And they all shouted “Paolo Paolo Paolo!!!” several times. “HA! -I laughed- I don’t? I DON’T? -I then isterically shouted- Well check the blog later on you cunts!” Then I left and went inside for a nice and useful training session with my awesome shoes, ignoring them and their stupid insults.

So here I am my dears, enjoying my crushing victory on those twats posting a photo of Paolo and I.

Paolo and I.


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I put some new shoes on and suddenly everything is right.

That’s what I said on the phone to my mate Paolo no longer than two hours ago when he called me straight after my training session at the gym. But let’s start over.

WEDNESDAY – First day OFF after nine or ten -can’t remember- shifts in a row and of course I slept till 3pm. Managed to leave the flat at 4-ish pm, went for a massive lunch with some mates and then finnaly got my new running shoes from this shop. The shop assistant was really sound and made me run on the treadmill bare foot so that we could analyze together on video the way I run. It turned out that I run as any other human being: wrong but not that much. He then recommended and brought me a pair of shoes on sale -still £65 though- made by Brooks. This one, to be precise. I put them on –they felt great!– and then ran again for a bit on the treadmill, this time in front of a few camera-equipped and incredibly out-of-tune supporters.


Then I had a massive dinner, disintegrated Marcus at FIFA12, had a few drinks, went to bed, dreamt about naked women -as always- and then woke up this morning.

THURSDAY – After an eight hours shift -what an interesting day considering that I managed to sum it up in 5 words, uh?- it was time to try the new shoes on so I went with Marcus to the gym at something like 9:30pm. Yes, Marcus. Unbelievable uh? I ran 6,1 km (2,8km-2 minutes break-3,3km) in 32 minutes altogether and felt great. Marcus ran next to me for a while then went working out, according to him… Anyway after that my legs weren’t sore at all: neither the shins nor the calfs. Must say that I was a bit short of breath though.

Me, a tiny wee bit short of breath

On my way back home my mate Paolo phoned me and yeah -as I was saying earlier on- I was telling him how everything was right with the new shoes on. He asked me a few questions about these new shoes and how I felt with them on and all that stuff and then thanked me and hung up. He phoned me back a wee while after that and he told me that my story inspired hime for a new song. He was so excited that in less than an hour he wrote both music and lyrics, recorded the song and filmed the video too. He also asked me to publish it here, since my blog is so popular all around the world and he’s still fledgeling, so here it is. Enjoy.