‘CAUSE I’M A MOTHERLOVER

Dear fans,

Today in Italy it was Mother’s Day. I’m telling you in case you didn’t know it already, ’cause I’m a Motherlover and I thought it was the right thing to do.

 

 

So I phoned my mum on skype as soon as I got home from work and four hours later here I am, still sitting on my couch, still at the laptop, still not gone for a run, still listening to that song. Today in Italy – and in Papua New Guinea too, true story… – it was Mother’s Day and – yeah – that’s pretty much my excuse for not going for a run tonight.

Thanks Charlie. The real reason why I didn’t go though is the fact that the weather in Edinburgh in these days is a little bit adverse.

The view from my window in Edinburgh, right now

Yeah, adverse. Which I don’t even know whether it’s a real word or not. Whether. Weather. … I wish I had a funny joke for that but unfortunately I don’t. I may have one soon though but I’ll save it for another occasion. Maybe for that trip to IKEA that I’ve been planning for ages – don’t ask, you’ll never understand.. – or maybe for one of the next posts. Or maybe you can all suggest me one. Just not all at the same time like with the donations please. Anyway, I’m kinda hoping that the weather will stay like this until – and of course – on the day of the Marathon. At least I will have a valid excuse for the miserable performance I will give. Yeah my dear fans, I really said miserable.

Yous, confused.com, right now.

Let me explain. As the most attentive of you might have catched during the past few weeks, it does look like I am not really training that much. As for the rest of you – yes, you you! – here I am telling you now loud and clear that as a matter of fact I am not training at all. I’d love to say “enough” – instead of at all – but that would be a lie and if there is one thing I am not, well that is a lier! Am not tall, rich, gifted, smart, beautiful, funny, skilled, well-equipped, tanned, fit, interesting or cultured either but that doesn’t really matter. Also, as the cleverest of you may already know, twenty-six miles aka forty-two kilometres aren’t really a piece of cake. Not even nearly. Twenty-six miles aka forty-two kilometres are a shit load of miles/kilometres and I know I will hate every single one of them. I’m sorry – my dear fans – but it’s probably time for all of us to face the truth. This whole marathon thing is just not really a job I can get my teeth into. I will do it though, but it will hurt. A lot. But still, I will fucking do it!!!

“Yeah, sure…”

Forget the fact that my knees are fucked. Forget the fact that I drink too much. Forget the fact that I don’t eat healthy food. Forget the fact that I’m not trained enough. Forget the fact that I have doubts myself. Forget the fact that I may go out the night before and sleep in the morning of the marathon. Forget the fact that I don’t even know where the marathon starts. Forget the fact that I don’t even know how to get back home – by ambulance is my fave option though… – . Forget the fact that I still haven’t received neither my number nor the micro-chip. Forget everything. Just remember that I will do it.

I will do it because it’s for charity, don’t you ever forget that I’m doing it for Save the Children! So PLEASE SPONSOR ME!!!

I will do it because it’s going to be a great achievement for myself and something I will always be proud of. And something I can always throw in your faces you lazy bastards!!!

I will do it because you – my dear fans from all around the World – have all been supporting me a lot and I really appreciate that. Fuck aye!!!

My good friend/supporter Borat giving me the thumbs up

But mainly I will do it because you sponsored me, giving money to Save the Children, and there is no fucking way we’ll give you a refund. Nae chance!!!

Nae fucking chance.

HOW MANY? HOW MANY?

My good friends,

It’s been a long time. Too long. So many things have happened since the last time you heard from me but no training at all. How many things have happened? HOW MANY? A lot… Same old reason for not running though –shin splints– plus holidays –was in Milan for a week– plus lazyness –have had it for 25 years now– hence no training. All my genuine apologies for not updating this blog and leaving all my fans without any news. How many apologies? HOW MANY? A lot, I swear.

I do have some news though. How many news? HOW MANY? Just two, actually. I finally am an official Edinburgh Marathon runner. And that was one. Got the confirmation e-mail at the beginning at the week and I am now waiting for further information from the charity I am running the marathon for. Which -drum rolls- is –more drum rolls- Save the Children. And that was two.

How many children? HOW MANY? AS MANY AS POSSIBLE!!!

A more serious and more detailed post will follow soon. I will there explain to you the reason why I choose to run for them and also how you can help me. Yeah, I need your help. I need your coins and notes. How many coins and notes? HOW MANY? A LOT!!!

-I know you were all expecting me to post that song I need a dollar…a dollar… but I am not gonna do it because my friends already did it and I’m not a copycat. By the way check this out, please.–

One thing I have to understand though is if Save the Children will give me a t-shirt together with the running vest or if I will have the chance to wear my own tee. Because I have a few ideas about it. How many ideas? HOW MANY? Just one, but it is a great idea.

Whatever. I like it…

Now talking about my training –or not training if you prefer– you might be happy to know that I am planning to start again from monday. It is gonna be a full-time training –no more bullshit-training I promise– that will see me running four times a week this time en plen air. No more treadmills –maybe just sometimes– but open air. No more fixed speed and inclination but just the streets of Edinburgh and its hills and meadows. Which are quite a few. How many? HOW MANY? Fuck knows. It will hopefully help me with the shin splints thing. Will keep you posted.

So this is my plan and you have my word I will do my best. 27 May is getting closer and closer and things are getting serious now so I have to be prepared. It’s time to sweat. Sweat, sweat, sweat.

Now some of yous asked me about this best video ever I was talking about. How many of you? HOW MANY? Three. And some of yous already text me asking me what the fuck is with all this how-many-shit. How many of you? HOW MANY? The same three which I happen to think are the only people that actually read this blog. So here you are. Enjoy.

 

 

I am gonna go get wasted now. As a good friend of mine called Rebecca always says: it’s friday, friday, gonna get down on friday.

VOX POPULI

Dear fans,

Today I would like to spend some time telling you a bit more about what people around me think about this whole marathon-thing.

 

 

Done.

Now let’s move on.

…

Nah just kidding…we’re not moving on yet!

As you might have noticed, one of the latest and most popular trend on facebook –and web in general– is to share those graphically awful pictures about what you do and what society thinks you do and what your mother thinks you do and what your mates think you do and then what you think you do and all that shit.

Now since this blog is as popular and trendy –and graphically awful– as those pictures, actually even more –it’s already known by at least two people other than me as the “Holy Graphically Awful Bible of the marathon runners”-, and because I’ve received so many e-mails and letters from supporters from all around the world asking me one of those, my team and I decided to work on it and make a picture up too.

The shit load of letters from my fans I've received in the last month.

First of all we had to find an appropriate title.

After thinking about it for a while we came up with two ideas that immediately split our team. On one side there was me with “Marathon runner”. On the other side there was the rest of the team with “Running twat”. We eventually found a compromise: I fired them all.

I then phoned my mum and asked her what her idea about her son running a marathon was. After hers it was my mates’ turn, then my neighbour’s, my doctor’s, my colleagues’, my therapist’s, my dealer’s, my dog’s, my personal trainer’s, my invisible friend’s, my own reflection in the mirror’s, my uncle’s, my aunt’s, my first grade teachers’, my cousin’s sister in law’s, my lawyer’s, my accountant’s and that guy’s who was sitting next to me on the bus earlier on and a few more I can’t remember. Most of them though told me they didn’t have a son so I had to phone them back specifying that I was talking about me and that’s why it took me so long.

Anyway once I processed the data I opened photoshop and did this.

After showing it to my closest friends looking for their opinion I had to hire a professional graphic designer –I am a graphic designer too but apparently my photoshop skills aren’t good enough– who finally managed to do it for me. That was quite an easy job, hiring the guy I mean, considering that on sunday I flew back to Milan for a few days and –just in case you still don’t know it– here everybody’s a fecking designer…

The graphic designer with better photoshop skills than me that I had to hire.

So, by popular demand, here you are the small and low-resolution version of his piece of art. If you want the big and high-resolution one ask my graphic designer because I ain’t got it. Or just click on it.

Marathon Runner, What I really do

Not much left to say for today apart from the fact that at the moment I am still not training –of course…– because of a small injury called shin splints –yep, the one I was talking about in the last post– that I am trying to cure. I will talk to you later anyway so stay tuned because the best video ever is coming soon…just a few days wait. How many? How many?? HOW MANY???

I’M SORRY, THIS TIME FOR REAL.

Right peeps.

Once again I have to start with a huge I’m sorry. Sorry if I kept you on tenterhooks for such a long long time, such a long time… (if you don’t read it singing like The Lonely Island and Justin Timberlake do in here it’s not funny…) but I have been very busy. Yeah, like last week. Exactly. Veeerrryyy busy.

Anyway I am sorry if last night I missed what by now has become our weekly-blog-updating-appointment -weekly like every monday’s last episode of How I met your mother, or Domino’s Two for Tuesday, or the random shag we all get every wednesday when horny student shlags go out and get pished and can’t wait to sorry what where we talking about?

My mind, right now.

 

Erm…

…

My mind right now, this time for real.

 

…

Oh yes the marathon!!! Right. Do you guys know what a marathon is and its origins? No? Neither do I but I’m sure that everything we (don’t) want to know is on wikipedia. Have you opened wikipedia in a new tab? No? Me neither.

What a bunch of lazy cunts we are.

So yeah I keep saying that the reason why I don’t update this blog more often is because I’m always busy so it’s probably time for me to explain to you what is it that keeps me so busy -no, it’s not youporn! Not entirely anyway…-. All you have to know is that training for a marathon is not an easy job. Especially if on top of it you have to work, be socially active (basically drinking and trying to get laid), fix your social actions (basically being sick and wanking) buy food, cook food, digest food, expel digested food, wash up the dishes, clean the flat, wash your clothes, iron your clothes (seriously?), call your parents, call your mates, go to the bank, cry outside the bank, be a twat with that girl you like, be a twat with that girl you don’t like, not committing suicide, drinking –yes, again!-, watching telly and farting. Yes, farting. It is really important to fart regularly in order to avoid spontaneous combustion, didn’t you know it?

So hopefully you will excuse me if in the remaining time I have better things to do than updating this blog.

What I do in my spare time, instead of updating this blog, shown to you by my dog.

Thank you.

My actual dog -this time for real- showing you what I do in my spare time and what he does in his whole time.

Anyway talking about my training for the marathon, finally, I must say that last week can be considered the worst, so far. I’ve been to the gym three times but once it was just for a few minutes. As soon as I stepped onto the treadmill -after running 10 km in 45 minutes the day before- my legs collapsed so I had to go home. You can imagine my disappointment -which is probably yours- but trust me you can’t imagine the pain. The day after it all went fine though and I managed to run another 10 km in one hour after 40 minutes of cycling but then it’s been all yesterday and today that my shins are once again sore as fuck: it feels like both tibia and fibula are about to come off and sometimes it even hurts when I am just walking. Not ideal but hopefully it’ll be over soon.

I was telling some friends how my legs feel but I couldn’t make it easy enough to understand so here’s a video of how I felt all day yesterday and today and how the marathon would go if this doesn’t go away.

 

 

If you find it funny you’re bad people and therefore my fans and friends. If you don’t find it funny, seriously, go see a doctor.

Useless post #1

Dear fans,

I am sorry it took me a while to bring you up to date about my training but as you (should) know I am not training yet.

An untalented, but cheap, actor playing an ugly ,but accurate, version of me not training.

Yes, that’s why I didn’t update this blog. Until now, of course. Now I am updating it. Right now. Yes.

You happy now?

Some happy supporters of mine, in Singapore, celebrating in real time this long-awaited post.

That’s a yes, right?

A more comprehensible answer from a less cryptic and less Singaporean supporter of mine.

Anyway, I thought that would have been pretty easy to understand but then a few hours ago I received a phone call from my fan club. My demanding fan club.

My fan club.

They were worried, really worried, and wanted to make sure I remembered that next monday I will have to start my training. I reassured them about it, downed my rum&coke and then changed my number straight away.

This is it, not much left to say for today but stay tuned: the charity I am willing to run the marathon for (still waiting for their reply) and a preview of the outfit I may wear on the day (still considering the options) will be soon revealed.

Smell you later my peeps.

TODAY SHOULD BE DAY ONE.

Today should be Day One, but it’s not.

Right now I should be out there running 5km, but I’m not.

I should be in Edinburgh, but I’m not.

At this point -I know you guys are all real supporters of mine even though just one of yous turned up last night at my arrival at Milan Malpensa to show his (and yours) disappointment- you’re probably asking yourselves why am I not in Edinburgh and why am I not training.

My biggest fan asking me "Y U NO TRAINING?" at my arrival at Malpensa yesterday

Let me explain.

• Why I am not in Edinburgh: I found myself having four days off from work in a row so I decided to fly home to see my family, my dog and my friends. Easyjet.com seemed to approve this idea and charged me only £100 for a very last minute return ticket (booked on saturday night, flew on sunday at noon, flying back on wednesday morning). Nae bad, eh? Here everybody was pretty happy to see me again especially my dog, who had a special treat ready for me.

My dog welcoming me as soon as I walked into my parents' flat

• Why I am not training: basically because in Milan the temperature at the moment (12:35 pm) is -3°C and I can’t be arsed.

The view from my window in Milan, right now

So here I am in Milan doing this and this while I sould be in Edinbrugh doing this and this but don’t worry, I will start training next week.

Maybe.